You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
