Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
