he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
