the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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