can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize