I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
