Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
