I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
