Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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