I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
