I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
