The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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