I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
