A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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