Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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