Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
