Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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