I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
