I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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