i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
