I murdered the dance floor call the cops
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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