when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
