I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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