I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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