Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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