My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone came in the potted fern
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
