Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
