I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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