Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
