soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
