I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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