He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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