You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
