This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
