I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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