im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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