shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
