Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
True strength comes from lack of pants
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
