bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
