First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
