Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize