We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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