Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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