mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
do nipples grow back?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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