You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
