glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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