If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
