we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
