My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
