dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
