i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
