There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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