Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
