We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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