this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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