So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
