I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
