I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
