thus making me awesome and them whores
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
