I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
