Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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