Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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