I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
