Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
