Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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