The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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