i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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