So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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