All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
