The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize