I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
