Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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