why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
