I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
