I met the friendliest cop last night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
