Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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